I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
