My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
