so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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