No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize