am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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