I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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