she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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