my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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