Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
