I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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