my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
