If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she woke up with a sticky ear
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
