I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
