i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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