I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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