another moral hangover. fuck.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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