My hand turned me down
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
