I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
