trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
