I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
