What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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