theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize