last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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