This is not my ceiling
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Operation Purity has been aborted
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
