I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Randomize
