I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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