I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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