yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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