I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
