oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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