I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
did i just pee glitter
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize