i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
