Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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