Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
