Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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