my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
