Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
BRING THE BAGELS
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize