Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
