hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize