proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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