youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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