so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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