Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
