why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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