Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
