I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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