i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize