U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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