Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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