i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
