Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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