I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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