Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
