To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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