she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
