Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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