why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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