I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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