how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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