Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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